Archive for September 8th, 2007

Learning how to Walk again

First of all I want to say this: if you are expecting the same old wise-cracking humor typically found here, it will return.  Right now I am on a spiritual journey to the depths of my soul, so you're going to have to sit through some deep thoughts for a while.  But I promise you, this will be the most meaningful period of InvertedMind.  I hope you will take the journey with me, and maybe examine your own soul — and find out where you will be if Judgement falls on you tomorrow.

My favorite book of the Bible is Ecclesiastes.  I have a history of issues when it comes to coping, and I went through a period of nearly five years of depression.  I sank about as low as I could.  I never reached a point where I thought I couldn't go on with life.  But I did eventually get to where I simply didn't want to anymore.  That point began a huge turnaround in me, and during that change I spent a lot of time reading the words of Solomon. 

In fact, one of my all-time favorite songs, The Byrds' Turn! Turn! Turn!, was inspired by Ecclesiastes chapter 2.  The entire song is a near-verbatim copy of the first eight verses of the chapter, with the ordering changed slightly (for instance, the first verse of the chapter is the final line of the song's refrain).  Verse four tells us there is "a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance."  This is literally the one line in the entire Bible that is most responsible for me ever making it through that period of depression. 

I am an incredibly impatient person, and this line — no matter how basic a concept that this may seem to be — drove home the notion that the hard times will eventually pass.  God has great things in store for all of us, and it's just a matter of waiting for them.  It's also a matter of recognizing them, because the good may not always seem to be good.  A perfect example is in what I wrote here Tuesday: God brought me back to the bottom rung of the ladder in order to teach me the right way to climb.  I was, and still am, completely crushed by what has been going on.  In fact, every day a new ton of despair seems to land on top of me.  But through it all, I know that I am learning the single most important lesson of my life: God should be the center of your life at all times and in all circumstances, not just during the hard times, and not just when it's convenient for you.

The life of a righteous Christian is not popular today.  Having to abstain from sex out of wedlock when you're being bombarded by the mainstream media telling you it's okay is incredibly hard.  Living next to someone who constantly seems to have better "stuff" than you do can be very trying.  And let's not even get started on not just forgiving, but loving, your enemy.  But the fact remains that we cannot call ourselves Christians if we flagrantly refuse to live by the values we claim to live by.  And I've been as guilty as anyone of every one of these crimes against Christ, aside from murdering someone.  In fact, it's often those of use who are completely hypocritical with our "beliefs" who are the worst of sinners, because we can hide behind the Word of God.  We get away with more sins, in the eyes of other people at least, because no one expects us to commit them.  But there is One who sees all we do, and in the end it is Him to whom we must ultimately answer for our actions.

What it comes down to is realizing that you can fool your fellow man, but not God.  Ecclesiastes closes with some of the most basic, yet profound words in the Bible.  It's what we are taught from an early age as Christians.  And if you're lucky, you take it to heart in time:

 (13) Now all has been heard;
       here is the conclusion of the matter:
       Fear God and keep his commandments,
       for this is the whole duty of man.

 (14) For God will bring every deed into judgment,
       including every hidden thing,
       whether it is good or evil.



Show me where you are

Music has always been one of the most important things in this world to me. As I fight through this absolute mess I have to deal with, I'm more and more reminded of some lyrics.  The first echoes my sentiments posted Tuesday.  This is a snippet from a song called Lead of Love by Caedmon's Call:

Looking back I know you had to bring me through  / All that I was so afraid of / Though I questioned the sky / Now I see why / I had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view / Looking back I see the lead of love

The second is one of my all-time favorites, because it says so clearly the way that I feel love should be — and in the last three years with Brittney, it has been magnified a million times over.  It's how I've seen her since we first took the leap beyond simple friendship.  And even now, it's still how I feel.  This is from Steven Curtis Chapman's I Will Be Here, which my brother's mother-in-law actually sang at his wedding:

Tomorrow morning if you wake up / And the sun does not appear / I will be here / If in the dark we lose sight of love / Hold my hand and have no fear / I will be here

To me that simply says that emotions ebb and flow.  The sure way to get through those hard times, though, is together.

And then in the song's bridge:

I will be true / To the promise I have made / To you and to the one / Who gave you to me 

You get the picture.

Finally, I want to share with you a song I wrote several years ago, which has been one of the things that has helped me the most getting through this, called Show Me Where You AreMom of the South, The Southern Belle and Suddenly Sister might recognize this, as I sang it for them after enough pleading:

In my times of pain
When confusion reigns
Lord, help me understand
I am only me
That's all that I can be
In the end, I'm just one man

Teach me, God, to seek you
When the rain is pouring down
Show me where to find you
When I feel alone in a crowd

'Cause there are times when I can't find my way
Moments when I can't tell the nighttime from the day
Times when I need someone to hold me in their arms
Lord, show me where you are

Sometimes the days are bright
And I can see your light
A beacon leading me home
But then the darkness falls
And I can't see at all
And I feel so alone

Times like these I need to hear
Your voice calling me
But still I turn my back on you
In my time of need

In these times when I can't find my way
Moments when I can't tell the nighttime from the day
Times when I need someone to hold me in their arms
Lord, show me where you are

Now I see it all so clear
All the while, you've been standing right here

In these times when I can't find my way
Moments when I can't tell the nighttime from the day
Times when I need someone to hold me in their arms
Lord, there you are

What do you lean on in times of extreme emotional pain?