Here’s a disclaimer right up front: I wouldn’t know patience if it slapped me on the butt and called me Sally.  I’m almost as willing to wait for something as I am to volunteer to run a half-marathon that rewards all participants with an acid bath at the finish line.  But, I’ve been learning a lot about being patient lately, and I’m going to tell you how I just tasted the very sweet fruits of my labor.

I have a nearly obnoxious thrifty side — I call it being frugal, but others call me cheap — that drives me to obsessively find the absolute best bang for my buck.  I consider it smart use of money, and right about now I’m laughing all the way to the bank’s Web site because being tight with my money means I’ve got a little something left right now while an awful lot of people who derided my tendency to spend little or nothing are awaiting their next paycheck with bated breath (I’m not knocking anyone here, I’m just sayin’…).  As of now, the combination of not wanting to part with my money and my essentially obsessive-compulsive habit of cataloging in my brain where to find the best prices suddenly looks less like a miserly desire to hoard cash and more like intelligent planning.

So, when news broke in my circle of friends that I was going to buy a touch-screen cell phone — and that I had no intentions of waiting until next year to do so — it seemed to a lot of people that I had finally snapped under the burdens of my daily responsibilities.

At this point, you are undoubtedly wondering how on God’s green Earth this fits under the category of “The Good Life on the Cheap” because there’s no such thing as a cheap, good cell phone that goes so far as to have a touch-sensitive screen.  Well, it’s less about the phone itself and more about how, sometimes, circumstances conspire to give you one heck of a deal — as long as you are 1) looking for signs that a deal is nearby, and 2) willing to wait for just the right time to jump on it.

Here’s the anatomy of the deal: Sometime in either July or August, I received notice from Verizon that I had been elevated to “VIP” status, which includes the opportunity to upgrade my phone once every calendar year instead of after 20 months while still receiving the same benefits, no activation fees on new phones, 25 percent savings on all accessories and other opportunities.  It’s less a true “VIP status” and more of a loyalty program, but it’s still packed with chances to save a lot of scratch.

Okay, that sounds like a good deal, but I didn’t need a new phone.  I was perfectly happy with the one I have.  But here is where things take a turn.

On Labor Day, I had things stolen out of my car — including both of my MP3 players, which were conveniently tucked inside my briefcase, which was inconveniently sitting on the passenger seat of my even more inconveniently unlocked car.  Trust me, this comes in to play in a few paragraphs.

On top of that, I have been considering buying a new digital camera that is more convenient to carry around than that bulky, six-year-old one that I got for Christmas in 2002 and the even-bulkier behemoth that I bought prior to my first (and only, until further notice that is not even on the horizon) wedding so I could save about $2,000 on a photographer.  There are an awful lot of moments I’d love to immortalize, but I’m not carrying either of those beasts with me wherever I go.

And, of course, I would be upgrading my phone in a year anyway.  I use my cell phone a lot, so for me it’s worth spending a little extra on a higher-quality unit than the ones you can get gratis (or pretty darn close to it) when you sign up for a new plan.  That’s why I was willing to break the $100 barrier on my current one.

So, one day while simply checking out the current offerings from Verizon during my lunch break for no reason other than boredom, I happened to take notice of the LG Dare.  It looked pretty slick, and somewhat iPhone-like.  Touch-screen gizmos always intrigue me, so I looked.  And it seemed pretty sweet, so I research further.  For the two-year contract price of $250 ($199 after rebate), you get a solid MP3 player and a 3.2 megapixel camera with options you can’t even find on a lot of true digi-cams, like adjustable ISO settings and face recognition.  And, for anyone counting, that’s a whole lot of megapixels for a camera phone.  It’s expandable up to eight gigabytes of memory via a microSD card slot, too.  So let’s do a little math:

• Zune replacement: $250
• Average low-profile digital camera: $150
• Cell phone comparable to what I have now: $150

I’d be looking at $550 to get everything I wanted within the next year.  Suddenly, $200 seems like one heck of a deal.  Throw in the cost of two eight-gigabyte microSD cards and it totals about $280.

But wait: it gets better.

A lot of people don’t realize this, but buying a cell phone online or by phone is almost always cheaper than going to the store and picking one up.  I recommend that you always go to the store, find the one you want, then go home and call customer service to make the purchase.  And you can even haggle with them a little bit if you feel it’s necessary, which could result in a waived activation fee or other savings.  A slice of bread would probably be more knowledgable about the current offerings of your cell company than the people manning the kiosk at the mall — and would offer more engaging conversation, to boot.

So I called this morning, and found out that, because of the accelerated upgrade period, I am not only eligible to get the phone for the two-year contract price of $200 (they don’t even bother with making you send in a rebate form if you purchase by phone), but I am also eligible for the $100 savings using the New Every Two early redemption offer.  Here’s where I showed a little impatience, though: rather than accept the standard (and free) two-day shipping, I opted to pay an additional $8.99 for overnight shipping.  That means I will receive my $410 phone/MP3 player/digital camera by the time I get home from work tomorrow, at a total cost to me of $109.98.  That’s a savings of $310 just on the offering I purchased, and when compared to what I would have spent buying all three items separately, I saved myself $440.  Knock off $80 for the microSD cards I’m going to pick up at Radio Shack tonight, and I still saved $360.  That’s a large chunk of my Christmas shopping right there.

And all because I patiently shopped around for the best possible options rather than impulsively buying when I wanted something.  Quite literally, it pays to take your time.

I’m going to put an end to any fears you may have while reading this: what you are about to hear (assuming you talk to yourself as you read) is going to sound a lot worse than it actually is.

Last week, Kaylee contracted an illness called Fifth Disease.  Now, here the point where you’re probably panicking: “did he say disease?!  Oh no!  The sky is falling!”  No, it’s just a virus.  And a weak one, at that.  It was named around 1880, and was given that moniker because it was the fifth common childhood “disease” on the list.  And, clearly, it wasn’t severe enough to actually be called something unique, like most of the other ailments on the list.

Fifth is caused by the Parvovirus B19 strain.  For anyone familiar with Parvo, you’re probably immediately thinking “dog.”  The difference between the Parvo that infects dogs and the one that infects humans is in that “B19″ part of the name.  So, no, Kaylee did not catch the Guatamalan Canine Flu.  What she caught is more closely related to measles or rubella, only far less so.  And it’s related to Hand, Foot & Mouth Disease, but only very indirectly.  To put to rest any fears you may have, let me put it this way: Parvo is to the other illnesses listed her as spitball is to ballistic missile.

Symptoms of Fifth are:

• Mild fever
• Sniffles
• A bright red rash on the cheeks, generally only present in children
• A splotchy rash over the rest of the body, similar in appearance to the illnesses listed above
• Joint pain, primarily present only in adults
• Itching on the rash, generally only in people older than 10

At this point, you’re wondering how she could have been exposed to a virus that causes an illness you’ve probably never heard of unless you are a parent and your kid has had it.  Well, chances are you’ve been exposed to it — by adulthood, 60 percent of us have been exposed to it, caught it and become immune.  It’s not exactly a rare virus.

She started showing the rash Friday (10/10), the day after her physical and a vaccination she still needed to be caught up on.  So, I figured it was a minor reaction to the vaccine, and just kept a close watch on it.  Aside from some redness, she had no problems — not even an itch.  Red cheeks and a few splotches on her arms, and that’s it.  But by Saturday it had spread over the entirety of her arms and was creeping across her back.  I had Nurse Neighbor come take a look, and we then proceeded to research.  A quick google of “red splotches on a toddler’s arms and cheeks” immediately brought me to Fifth/Parvo.  When I saw the symptoms, I remember that Kaylee had a runny nose most of the week, and that her temp had gone up ever so slightly Wednesday night — so slightly that I didn’t even bother checking to get the actual number.

I also remembered another symptom I had seen in her: Thursday night, after the physical, she was complaining about knee pain.  I figured it was from the injection, which was in her thigh — sore muscles from a shot.

Sunday, the rash got even worse, but she still wasn’t itching.  Now, the good part of all this is that, once the rash appears, the illness is no longer contagious.  Double-Plus-Good for me (any George Orwell readers remember where that came from?).  Of course, I figured there was no way on God’s Green Earth that she’d be allowed in school looking like that, even if I told them no one would catch it.  And, of course, I still was only basing the diagnosis off of things I found on the Interwebs.  So, a quick trip to the doctor Monday morning confirmed my diagnosis, and she was back to school, none the worse for wear.  All is well with her world.

But not mine.

Remember that “60 percent of adults are immune” comment?  Well, it would seem that I’m in the minority.

At first I thought it was just heat.  After all, I’d been in the office/studio/gameroom writing and recording a song.  That’s the hottest room in the house, especially with a computer, a printer and recording equipment running.  But, eventually, I came to the realization (after a closer look the next day revealed red splotches on my arms that continued to grow as the day progressed) that I, too, was pleading the Fifth.  Or, more correctly, Scratching the Fifth.  I’ve got the itch and the need to scratch it.  Everywhere.  Constantly.  It actually woke me up at least five times last night.

So, give me another three or four days before you call me or text me or even talk face-to-face with me about anything that may be annoying.  Because, given how annoyed I am at the moment with this itching, I may just have to give you a serious beat-down.

Through a somewhat unfortunate set of circumstances, Kaylee lost two sitters in a three-week span.  It had nothing to do with any behavioral issue, and I don’t feel either of them did anything wrong.  Well, not the first one, Saint-or-Sitter, at least; she gave me two weeks’ notice and a valid reason, as opposed to 18 hours’ notice and an incredibly pety excuse, but maybe that’s a post for another time.  Regardless, all is forgiven.

The whole situation turned out to be a blessing, though: Her Cuteness has started preschool.

As her father, and the man who has essentially been her sole unpaid care-giver for the last 14 months, I’m saddened.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled — utterly ecstatic — that she’s growing up.  I get to see the transformation every day, and I’m amazed by how she’s changed just in the last two months.  Of course, someone apparently keeps giving her Defiance Hormone Injections in her sleep.  Either that, or The Terrible Twos really are as maddening as people have led me to believe.

But she’s…growing up.  It’s a double-edged sword, because I’m excited about watching her learn and grow, but I’m also seeing my baby girl slip away, going through a transformation that will eventually culminate in her reaching adolescence and, for me, what I predict will be a rapid succession of at least 47 peptic ulcers.

And let me interject this: there is not enough caffeine in the world — especially not for someone with a tolerance to the stuff that would make an elephant addicted to heroin seem minor in comparison — to make up for an average of four to five hours of sleep per night.  Believe me, I’ve tried.  I’ve probably accounted for at least 30 percent of the gross domestic product of Colombia for the last year, if you exclude the drug trade.  And, with a resting heart rate of an already meager 48 thanks to six months of running nine to 15 miles per week, I might go into a coma if I stop drinking the stuff.

But, I digress.

Kaylee was excited to go to “school.”  She was a little apprehensive when we first got there, but by the time I was ready to head off to work, I almost had to pry her away from her new-found friends and toys long enough to get a hug and a kiss from her.  And, if they would have let her stay, she would have happily spent the night there after her first day.

I’d like to point out how proud I am of the fact that I haven’t held her back from any culinary experiences, in spite of my own picky food tastes (strange to hear that come from an accomplished cook, I know).  This is a girl who loves broccoli and lima beans.  So I wasn’t surprised to hear that she ate all her peas yesterday.  I was, however, shocked to find out that it caught her teachers off-guard.  It would seem to me that these people wouldn’t be shocked by any food preferences.  But, considering this is the south where collared greens and fried okra are considered delicacy instead of “lawn clippings” and “something that should never be put on a plate,” maybe I shouldn’t be all that surprised.

So, day one of preschool came and went.  She was excited to go again today, so that’s a win for me.  It’s affordable, everyone there is fantastic, and — most importantly — Kaylee is finally going to have a chance to broaden her horizons and make new friends.  Her social development should become a lot more rapid at this point.  I don’t know if that excites me, or if it scares me in ways spiders and rattlesnakes could only dream of.

I think it’s the latter.