Thank you, Alton Brown, for the head start.

Pork chops are my nemesis.  I've grilled them.  I've baked them.  I've Foreman'd them.  No matter what, they wind up about as dry as cardboard in the Sahara during a seventeen-year drought.  You could soak up spills with them.  And that's shocking, because I've come to realize that I'm a damn good cook.  A little arrogant?  Maybe.  But I've always had great reviews.  My chili won second place in a cook-off, and a certain group of people used to excitedly ask if I was going to make said chili when I would come to visit.  I know what I'm doing.

But the chops…man, the chops.  Thanks to the long-term breeding of American pigs, we get pork that's leaner than a marathon champion.  Lean means very little fat.  And very little fat means very little flavor.  And almost no moisture.  And the one time I tried brining my chops first, they came out tasting like someone left them out in the sun sitting underneath Shaq's left foot for a day and a half.  It turns out I had a few things wrong: the ratio of the ingredients, and the wrong cuts.

I hate bone-in meat.  It seems like too much work for the reward.  So it was a real kick in the cajones when I realized that pork chops are better with the bone intact.  And about an inch thick, just like a real, good T-bone steak.  Anything less than that, I can confidently say from much experience, is best used as a coaster.  So say it with me a gazillion times to make sure you've got it right next time: bone-in and an inch thick…bone-in and an inch thick…

But I want you to see…err…taste for yourself.  So plan a romantic dinner for two (yes, this is for two; double the brine recipe for four) with your spouse or significant other and follow these instructions (changed considerably from Alton Brown's recipe on Good Eats):

1. Use center-cut chops.  They will be made primarily of a single muscle, meaning consistent flavor, consistent cooking throughout, and less connective tissue to carve around while eating.
2. Combine 1/2 cup salt, 1/2 cup brown sugar, 1 teaspoon of mustard powder, 1 teaspoon of ground black pepper, and 1.5 cups of almost boiling apple cider vinegar and stir until the crystals dissolve.
3. Add two cups of ice cubes and stir until melted.
4. Submerge the chops completely.  If they won't go comepletely under, flip them halfway through brining.  Leave submerged for two to three hours.
5. Turn on grill to high heat and warm for ten minutes.  MEANWHILE, in the kitchen, hold each chop on end with the bone against the plate or cutting board, and insert a boning knife straight in through the layer of fat on the outside; push down until you feel the bone.  Swing the knife upward along the bone and also along the other side, being careful not to cut clear through at any point.  This will be a pocket to hold the filling.
6. Stuff thin-sliced apples and dried cranberries into the hole.  If you desire, spoon a small amount of brine into the pocket as well, to add a little moisture (the cranberries will soak a fair amount from the meat, so this is probably a good idea).
7. Place in center of grill.  After two minutes, rotate 90 degrees.  This is purely for aesthetics; it created those nice little grill marks on the meat.  Cook this way for another two minutes, then flip and repeat the process on the other side.
8. Move meat to top rack and turn heat to medium-low.  Allow to cook for up to another five to six minutes.
9. Eat soon after removing from the grill.  Pork dries out quicker than other meats.

If you do it right, I promise these will be some of the best chops you'll ever eat.  I shared them with my next-door neighbor andher first thought was that it didn't taste at all like a pork chop –it was that good.  The meat has just the right level of saltiness, and the sweet fruit inside is the perfect compliment.

Maybe I'll actually follow through one day with that promise to write a cookbook…