Here’s a disclaimer right up front: I wouldn’t know patience if it slapped me on the butt and called me Sally.  I’m almost as willing to wait for something as I am to volunteer to run a half-marathon that rewards all participants with an acid bath at the finish line.  But, I’ve been learning a lot about being patient lately, and I’m going to tell you how I just tasted the very sweet fruits of my labor.

I have a nearly obnoxious thrifty side — I call it being frugal, but others call me cheap — that drives me to obsessively find the absolute best bang for my buck.  I consider it smart use of money, and right about now I’m laughing all the way to the bank’s Web site because being tight with my money means I’ve got a little something left right now while an awful lot of people who derided my tendency to spend little or nothing are awaiting their next paycheck with bated breath (I’m not knocking anyone here, I’m just sayin’…).  As of now, the combination of not wanting to part with my money and my essentially obsessive-compulsive habit of cataloging in my brain where to find the best prices suddenly looks less like a miserly desire to hoard cash and more like intelligent planning.

So, when news broke in my circle of friends that I was going to buy a touch-screen cell phone — and that I had no intentions of waiting until next year to do so — it seemed to a lot of people that I had finally snapped under the burdens of my daily responsibilities.

At this point, you are undoubtedly wondering how on God’s green Earth this fits under the category of “The Good Life on the Cheap” because there’s no such thing as a cheap, good cell phone that goes so far as to have a touch-sensitive screen.  Well, it’s less about the phone itself and more about how, sometimes, circumstances conspire to give you one heck of a deal — as long as you are 1) looking for signs that a deal is nearby, and 2) willing to wait for just the right time to jump on it.

Here’s the anatomy of the deal: Sometime in either July or August, I received notice from Verizon that I had been elevated to “VIP” status, which includes the opportunity to upgrade my phone once every calendar year instead of after 20 months while still receiving the same benefits, no activation fees on new phones, 25 percent savings on all accessories and other opportunities.  It’s less a true “VIP status” and more of a loyalty program, but it’s still packed with chances to save a lot of scratch.

Okay, that sounds like a good deal, but I didn’t need a new phone.  I was perfectly happy with the one I have.  But here is where things take a turn.

On Labor Day, I had things stolen out of my car — including both of my MP3 players, which were conveniently tucked inside my briefcase, which was inconveniently sitting on the passenger seat of my even more inconveniently unlocked car.  Trust me, this comes in to play in a few paragraphs.

On top of that, I have been considering buying a new digital camera that is more convenient to carry around than that bulky, six-year-old one that I got for Christmas in 2002 and the even-bulkier behemoth that I bought prior to my first (and only, until further notice that is not even on the horizon) wedding so I could save about $2,000 on a photographer.  There are an awful lot of moments I’d love to immortalize, but I’m not carrying either of those beasts with me wherever I go.

And, of course, I would be upgrading my phone in a year anyway.  I use my cell phone a lot, so for me it’s worth spending a little extra on a higher-quality unit than the ones you can get gratis (or pretty darn close to it) when you sign up for a new plan.  That’s why I was willing to break the $100 barrier on my current one.

So, one day while simply checking out the current offerings from Verizon during my lunch break for no reason other than boredom, I happened to take notice of the LG Dare.  It looked pretty slick, and somewhat iPhone-like.  Touch-screen gizmos always intrigue me, so I looked.  And it seemed pretty sweet, so I research further.  For the two-year contract price of $250 ($199 after rebate), you get a solid MP3 player and a 3.2 megapixel camera with options you can’t even find on a lot of true digi-cams, like adjustable ISO settings and face recognition.  And, for anyone counting, that’s a whole lot of megapixels for a camera phone.  It’s expandable up to eight gigabytes of memory via a microSD card slot, too.  So let’s do a little math:

• Zune replacement: $250
• Average low-profile digital camera: $150
• Cell phone comparable to what I have now: $150

I’d be looking at $550 to get everything I wanted within the next year.  Suddenly, $200 seems like one heck of a deal.  Throw in the cost of two eight-gigabyte microSD cards and it totals about $280.

But wait: it gets better.

A lot of people don’t realize this, but buying a cell phone online or by phone is almost always cheaper than going to the store and picking one up.  I recommend that you always go to the store, find the one you want, then go home and call customer service to make the purchase.  And you can even haggle with them a little bit if you feel it’s necessary, which could result in a waived activation fee or other savings.  A slice of bread would probably be more knowledgable about the current offerings of your cell company than the people manning the kiosk at the mall — and would offer more engaging conversation, to boot.

So I called this morning, and found out that, because of the accelerated upgrade period, I am not only eligible to get the phone for the two-year contract price of $200 (they don’t even bother with making you send in a rebate form if you purchase by phone), but I am also eligible for the $100 savings using the New Every Two early redemption offer.  Here’s where I showed a little impatience, though: rather than accept the standard (and free) two-day shipping, I opted to pay an additional $8.99 for overnight shipping.  That means I will receive my $410 phone/MP3 player/digital camera by the time I get home from work tomorrow, at a total cost to me of $109.98.  That’s a savings of $310 just on the offering I purchased, and when compared to what I would have spent buying all three items separately, I saved myself $440.  Knock off $80 for the microSD cards I’m going to pick up at Radio Shack tonight, and I still saved $360.  That’s a large chunk of my Christmas shopping right there.

And all because I patiently shopped around for the best possible options rather than impulsively buying when I wanted something.  Quite literally, it pays to take your time.

Some of us work stressful jobs, take care of children, head up the P.T.A., have bad golf swings or just generally walk around like we've got a roving pack of termites in our butt cracks.  All those things make us unhealthy.  It's a sad, sad thing that life has come to this, and that we think the only way to feel better is to spend money on things that make claims that they can improve your well-being rapidly.

There is a lot you can do to make yourself feel better without pawning off your first-born, as long as you can accept that it won't happen immediately.  And, of course, there are things you can do for free.  Dumb Little Man has compiled a list of 11 things you can do to feel better without breaking the bank.

This list is a little outdated — it's from way back in April — but there's no expiration on good health.  Well, unless you expire.  Then you're pretty much about as unhealthy as it gets, and then these tips will be of no use to you.  So get to it!  If one of my readers dies, I take a 20-percent traffic hit!

In an attempt to make a grand entrance as I make The Good Life on the Cheap a weekly feature, I'm offering up a list of free…err…offerings.  Okay, I had nothing to do with making the list, and I pretty much fell ass-backward into the link while cleaning out my personal bookmarks.

This list, courtesy of WallStreetFighter.com, covers a year worth of local and national giveaways or, at least, very deep discounts.  And it includes deals from some great food shops: Rita's, 7-11 and IHOP, among others.  I do, however, offer a personal apology for the Jack-In-The-Box free taco giveaway — anyone who has ever eaten a JitB "taco" (consider those air quotes) knows why.

Your mileage may vary, but rest assured this is a fresh list, just posted yesterday.  And if you know of any other deals of this kind, post it in the comments and let everyone else here know how you live The Good Life on the Cheap.

The boycotts don't work.

If everyone in America boycotted gassing up their cars for a single day, it wouldn't so much as cause a hiccup.  Why?  Because you still have to gas up the next day.  In the end, all you do is put on a show with no real plot.  But, because we live in a me-first-right-now society, we expect that short-term gains can be achieved in everything we do.  Unfortunately, prices of commodities don't work that way.  They skyrocket upward on speculation, but only fall back down based on proven trends of supply versus demand.  There's only one sure-fire way to bring gas prices back down, and we've all heard it over and over again.  We just don't practice it: reduce overall consumption.  Lower demand, lower prices.

Americans are wasteful.  Horribly, horribly wasteful.  I'm as guilty as anyone, too.  We search for instant convenience at the cost of some far-off comfort we can't fathom right now.  If we had thought about — and accepted as fact — the long-term ramifications of buying gas-guzzling SUVs for no reason other than to say we had the biggest, heaviest, most luxurious vehicle, chances are we'd be driving the smallest vehicles possible while still managing to shuttle our families around.  But, as it stands, we're standing in our own gasoline-soaked grave right now.  Our dependence on fossil fuels has never been higher, and it's getting worse by the day.

Now, don't buy into the liberal hype that our government's domestic and foreign policy is to blame.  As I said a few days ago, the war in Iraq has had, at most, about a 25-cent impact on the price of gasoline, and the highest gas taxes in the country are around 55 cents.  In reality, the cause of the rapid rise in price is something we, as private citizens of the U.S., have little control over: the emergence of both China and India as major economic players.  As their economies improve, their citizens' wealth increases; as people get wealthier, they desire greater luxuries, and in previously under-developed nations, the greatest bang-for-your-buck luxury is an automobile. 

Granted, we in the U.S. still use three times as much oil as China, even though their population is four times what ours is. That's due partly to the established road infrastructure we've developed in over 100 years, and the spread of wealth in this country relative to other nations.  But that's not an excuse; it's an indictment.  We are a top-ten oil-producing nation, but we consume drastically more than we produce, and we do it with such a flippant attitude that it's no wonder we're viewed as arrogant around the world.  All it takes is a little common sense, and we — the most powerful nation in the history of mankind — can begin to sway the price of oil over time.

But it will take time.

Can you cut one mile out of your average daily drive?  That's seven miles per week, people.  It's not asking much.  At an estimated 200 million drivers in the U.S. (a low estimate, considering that statistic comes from 2004), if we cut our driving by one mile per day, we would eliminate 73 billion miles driven per year.  At a rough national average of about 20 miles per gallon (+/- 1 mpg), that comes to 3.65 billion gallons of gasoline saved in a single year.  At 19.2 gallons of gasoline for every 42-gallon barrel of oil, we would save over 190 million barrels of oil, or 520,834 barrels per day.  That's 2.5 percent of this country's daily consumption.  While that doesn't seem like a big deal, it is, and here's why: it's 0.5 percent higher than the average rate of growth in consumption in the U.S.  If achieved globally rather than just domestically, it would be a mere 0.2 percent lower than the expected rate of growth in global demand through 2030.  So, yes, it's a ver, very big deal.

It's beyond possible: it's very achievable.  All it takes is a small amount of discipline, some forethought, and a simple understanding that the best things in life are a result of the patience you put into them and your steadfast belief that it will work.

EDIT: It's May 15th, as noted in the comments.

They're at it again.

Last year, it was on the first day of spring.  A little early in the year if you ask me, especially if you live in the north (as I did until last June), and it seems they realized that.  What am I talking about?  Why, it's Dunkin Donuts' Free Iced Coffee day, of course!

Just stop in to your local DD from 10:00 a.m. to 10:00 p.m. for a free 16-ounce iced pick-me-up.  Dunkin's coffee on ice…it's like a slice of Heaven served cold.

You've watched the news.  You've read the papers.  Economic doom-and-gloom is everywhere.

Fear not, my faithful.  I give you my theory: It Ain't All That Bad.

First things first: the Gross Domestic Product, the end-all-be-all measure dictating whether or not we are in the throes of a recession, continues to grow.  Yes, it's growing slowly right now.  That's expected, considering a 112 percent increase in foreclosures in the last year, inflation growing fairly rapidly thanks to rising gas prices, and job expansion slowing down.  But the fact of the matter is that we are not in any type of recession, and simply cannot be in one — officially — until the GDP numbers are released for the second and third quarters of the year.  By definition, a recession in this nation is when the GDP shrinks in two or more consecutive quarters.  It grew by 0.6 percent in the first quarter, which means the soonest we could declare a recession is mid- to late-October.

Does that mean you shouldn't be concerned?  Absolutely not.  You should always pay close attention to your financial situation, and the situations around you.  What it means is that It's Not Time to Panic.   There's a lot you can do, now and for the rest of your life, to make sure you remain as unaffected as possible by any economic slowdown or recession.

1. Develop your skills. If you can provide a company with a qualified skill, and you can do your job very well, you are likely to be retained.  It's that simple.  And it makes you far more marketable in the event you are one of the people who gets "downsized."
2. Don't be too proud.  People complain about the job market and sit unemployed for months or years, living on savings — or, unfortunately, landing on welfare.  This can all be avoided if you simply let go of your pride.  Work at a fast-food restaurant.  Stock shelves in a grocery store. Get a paper route.  Heck, do all three!  The simple fact of the matter is that, even in the worst of economic times, there are countless jobs that go unfilled because people let their own pride get in the way.  It is not, I repeat, NOT, beneath anyone to perform any of these jobs.  And if you stop to think about this one simple, sickeningly basic truth, you'll see why: some income is better than no income. Yes, there may come a time when you have to rely on government assistance, and there is absolutely no shame in that.  It's there for the intended purpose of helping those in need.  But leaning on the government in the form of welfare or unemployment insurance while making little or no effort to resolve your situation is just plain lazy and greedy.
3. Open a savings account.  I can't stress this enough.  Even if you can only afford $10 per paycheck, it's worth your while.  Assuming two checks per month, that gives you a savings of $240 per year.  If you get paid bi-weekly, that means $260 per year.  After four years, you've saved about $1,000, and by doing what?  Skipping a Big-Mac a week?
4. Pack your lunch.  Do you run to McDonald's or Wendy's every day for lunch?  Do you know how far that six bucks could go if you saved it?  Assume a packed lunch costs $2.00 for the ingredients (and, if you shop intelligently instead of conveniently, you can eat a hearty lunch for a dollar or less).  The difference is $4.00 — per day.  Assume, as well, two weeks for vacation each year and a week worth of holidays, which leaves 49 working weeks.  That's $4.00 by five days a week, or $20.  Multiplied out by 49, you can save yourself upwards of $980!
5. If you smoke, STOP IT.  Are you puffing through a pack per day?  Cigarettes currently cost $3.50 per pack or more.  Even at that low end of the spectrum, 365 packs of smokes will run you $1,277.50 per year.  It's not an easy habit to quit.  I know.  But in the end, your lungs and wallet will thank you.
6. Don't go out so much!  Find something to do around the house — get some friends together and play poker or something.  The average night out for two at the movies right now will run you at least $30.  A poker game with a $10 buy-in saves you $20 right there.  Three beers at a bar will run you $15, including tip.  A six pack at the grocery store (well, here in the south we can get them almost anywhere) will cost about $7.50 on average.
7. Combine your trips.  We hear this one all the time, but it's making more and more sense as gas prices rise.  Make time in the evenings to pick up groceries on your way home from work, or stop at three different stores on one trip during the weekend.  Plan in advance what you need, and plan where you are going to get them.  Then figure out your route in advance to cut the travel time and distance.  Avoid high-traffic, low-speed roads.  The less time you spend idling, the quicker you can get where you're going.  And cruising at a steady 60mph on the highway or interstate in high gear will use less gas than the stop-and-go route through town, even if you cover a greater distance.  You burn far more fuel getting to a certain speed than you do maintaining it.
8. Spend the extra $1,000 for the more fuel-efficient car.  You can take the sportier, 20 mpg car, or the more efficient 25 mpg model.  Getting that extra 5 mpg will cost you $1,000 more up front (I pulled that number out of my rear, by the way, but this is an example).  Assuming 15,000 miles driven per year, you would need to purchase 750 gallons of fuel at 20 mpg, for a cost of $2,250.  At 25 mpg, it would require 600 gallons, for a total of $1,800 — an annual savings of $450.  Considering interest, even at a low four percent, that $1,000 over a five-year period would actually cost you $1,216.65.  Over that same five-year period, your savings on fuel would be $2,250 — a difference of about $1,000.  You gain about $1,000 by spending more up front.

I could go on and on.  And, over time, I think I will.  That's why I'm creating yet another new category on the site called "The Good Life on the Cheap".  But what I'm ultimately getting at is one of the central themes of this site lately: getting out of the Need-It-Now lifestyle is good for you in countless ways.  You are only guaranteed three main things in this country outside of the protections in the Bill of Rights: Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.  You are not guaranteed the happiness, only the opportunity to pursue it.  How you go about finding your happiness is up to you.  And even in the worst of economic situations, you can find it if you figure out where to look.