Hey folks.  Just wanted to drop by and leave a quick note that I'm on hiatus from the site for a little while.  I've got some soul searching to do right now, and I'm just having some trouble putting together something coherent enough to write about.  With it being the holiday season, it's a little tougher than I had expected.  It's been lonely, but in a way it's good for me too.  James 1:3 nails it: "… because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."  It is only through our struggles that we can most clearly see our blessings.

Bear with me and, if you are so incline, send a little prayer this way.

This is a few days behind, I know, but the last five days have been a whirlwind.  Please forgive me. 

 It's old. cliched, overdone, etc.  Everyone does this.  But given the summer I had, and the subsequent fall, I need to take some time to look back on what has been important to me.  I need to make sure that every day I see the blessings God has given me, not just the pitfalls that have been placed beneath my feet.  There is good in everything, and right now I'd like to take a moment to remember that which has been good.

• I'm thankful for my family.  Through the last four months, they've been there every step of the way.
• Specifically, I'm thankful that I got to spend the holiday with my brother.
• I thank God endlessly for Her Cuteness — she's the one constant in my life right now, and is my favorite person.  She's truly my world, and even if she's sick, or sad, or cranky, or asleep, or bouncing off the walls, she's the greatest gift God could ever have given me.
• I'm thankful for my home.  God put me in the right place at the right time to finally have a place to call my own.  I've got great neighbors, in a great area of town.
• I'm thankful for the three years I got to spend with Brittney.  While I'm happy with my life as it is now, I wouldn't trade back a second of that time I had with her.
• I'm thankful for a great job and a career path I truly enjoy.  It makes the rest of my life that much easier when I don't spend all my time complaining about my job.
• I'm thankful that God gave me a thrifty, frugal mind, so I don't have to spend every day worrying how I'm going to pay the bills.  And I'm thankful to be in a situation to help those less fortunate, rather than feeling as if my hands are tied when a brother or sister needs help.  On top of all that, I'm glad God has impressed upon my heart that I need to give more than I have been.
• I'm thankful for my health.  I've spent the last 14 hours extremely ill, but I'm already on the way to recovery because the Good Lord takes care of me.
• I'm thankful for the perspective that God has given me on my impending divorce.  I could sit around with a woe-is-me attitude, or I could learn the lessons in the heartache and apply them to my own life and those of my friends who are in need of help.  I've chosen the latter, and now I'm not just a better person, I'm a completely different person.
• I'm thankful for diversions from life, like watching sports on television or talking to a friend by phone.
• Above all, I'm thankful for God's second chances.

I'm a few days behind on my writing.  That's because I've been struggling to "hear" God for the last week and a half.  And then I realized something: in order to learn about the deepest parts of ourselves, God will leave us to our own devices on occasion.

See, we are taught, as Christians, to give our woes to God.  I've written about this, and I've spoken out adamantly about it in recent weeks.  But the one thing we don't always realize is that part of God's way of dealing with them is to let us deal with them ourselves sometimes.  It's at these times when God goes quiet that he speaks the loudest.  It's his way of telling us we have to do the leg work sometimes.

A lot of new believers tend to think that things will suddenly get easier when they accept Jesus and and confess their transgressions.  In some ways they do, but God is not our butler.  We cannot snap our fingers and expect him to cater to our whims.  And, as I said a moment ago, sometimes he goes to the extreme of making us take the load ourselves.  He'll be right there with us along the way to make sure we don't fall flat on our faces.  But from time to time God will let us take some lumps, and will force us to answer our own questions.  I've been dealing with one of those times myself, lately.  The question in my mind was, "is what I think I'm feeling really the way I feel?"  The answer has been a resounding and emphatic "yes!" but I didn't get a study guide for the exam.  God made me take the time to focus on my emotions rather than ask a question and get an answer.  God is not a Solution Vending Machine.

So I looked deeper into myself.  I sat here for most of the last few weeks listening for God, and only hearing myself.  And what I heard in myself was a constant reinforcement that I've been right all along this fairly recent path I've been on.  And while it was even more lonely than usual in this house, that solitude and Heavenly silence has been a blessing. 

I try to post every week, and for a while it's been happening on Sundays.  Well, yesterday was a bit of a struggle for me, as I didn't feel the normal burden from God that I've been getting each week as to what I should write.  Last night, I got that burden through a small crisis.

Her Cuteness has been under the weather since Friday.  Her sitter noted that she had a runny nose, and when I put her to bed that night I noticed she was a little warm.  A quick check later and I saw she did indeed have an elevated temperature,but at just over 100 degrees it wasn't anything to worry about.

Saturday told a different story.  Her temperature shot up to 103.8 in the morning, but fluctuated all day with each dose of Tylenol.  She still had her energy, until about 5:00.  From that point through her bedtime at 7:00, she was pretty lethargic.  She woke up several times throughout the night and I maintained a rigorous schedule of dosing out the Tylenol.  And by morning, the fever had broken.  She was a perfect 98.6.

Things started to swing back toward bad throughout the day, though, but we kept her temp below 103 all day.  An hour after I put her to bed, though, she woke up crying.  She was a sweaty mess, and was so hot she was uncomfortable to touch.  A quick visit from the pediatric nurse next door confirmed my thoughts that we should be on our way to the emergency room, and a few minutes later we arrived.  By the time they took her temperature — 20 minutes after I had seen it rise to 104.1 — it topped out at 105.  I've never seen her look or sound so pathetic in my life, and God willing I'll never have to witness it again.   Throughout the night she was subjected to two temperature measurements — that hard way — a catheter for a urine sample, a large needle for a blood sample and a second needle for the I.V. (they nicked the other side of the vein with the first needle, eliminating the ability to administer fluids and antibiotics through that vein), and finally a chest x-ray.  We were finally discharged a little after 1:00 a.m., and she was asleep again before 2:00.

The night was not easy, as she had been so traumatized by that point that every time she woke up alone in the dark she panicked.  Even me holding her couldn't console her.  It was such a tough experience, and never in my life have I wished more that I had someone familiar close by my side.  I did talk by phone with some family members, and had a wonderfully distracting call from a close friend as Kaylee slept in my arms while receiving fluids via the I.V. 

But the point of all this is that sometimes we have a view of our lives that we think is set in stone, and then something happens to completely change that, whether it's momentary or permanent.  I thought she'd be fine — we licked the fever by Sunday morning and she was back to her old self again.  But then modes changed quickly, and I knew I had to change my view from "dad" to "field marshal."  I was no longer in a position to just administer love; at 104 degrees, the human body begins to enter the danger zone.  At 105, it's severe.  Kaylee's condition necessitated me stepping out of my Dad Suit and into a somewhat detached mode, where I had to make sure logic prevailed over emotion.  For instance, catching myself doing 80 in a 45 and knowing that getting to the ER safe was far more important than getting there fast; the drive is only three miles anyway.  Once she was in the care of the physicians, I could be Dad again, but that wasn't an option at the time.

It's much like a lot of other things we experience in life.  God has a way with throwing us curveballs.  Just when we think He's pointing us one way, He tells us it's time to go a different direction.  It's not that He changed his mind, and it's not that we were "hearing" God wrong.  It's just that His timing is perfect, and our view of it is imperfect.  We can only see the change in direction, not the reason for it, at least not at the time it happens.  In retrospect we'll see the perfection of it all, but at the moment it may be hard to swallow.  Jeremiah 29:11 says, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"  The simple fact here is that God will not bring us to harm, no matter what we think of his plan at a given time.

It's important to note that it is unwise to fight God's intentions.   A few weeks ago in Letting God Lead I talked about this subject; it's never a good idea to "take back the wheel" once you've chosen to let God drive the bus.  The struggle here is that we develop our own plans based on current and past events, and then when God bends the road on us we keep wanting to go straight.  It's at these critical times in our walks with the Lord that we need to be attentive and pray that we can see the new road ahead.  Don't pray to change the road, just ask that it will be well-lit.

In closing, I'd like to ask you to pray for Kaylee, as her temperature has gone back up again tonight.  It's not as bad, but still a matter for concern.  And she's been through enough this year as it is; she doesn't need this, too.  Pray for me, too, that I can handle this on my own without letting emotions get the best of me.  But most of all, pray for her. 

There's one very comforting thing in life: we always have a safety net.  No matter how bad we screw up, God will be there to catch us before we plummet to the ground.  Sure, the fall will probably scare the crud out of you, and the landing may not be a soft one, but we'll survive to learn from our mistakes.

But, as Shakespeare once wrote, "Ay, there's the rub!"  The key is that we need — I stress "need" here — to look for the lesson in our failures.  There's an old adage in Christianity that "God helps those who help themselves."  The idea is two-pronged: the most common translation of that phrase is that God will only give assistance to those who don't sit back and expect God to do everything, like pay the bills.  But the more obscure meaning of the phrase is that God will continue to catch only those who stop making a mistake they know they're making.  It's not because he's given up on you; it's just that he's giving you the lesson the hard way.  And while you may fall to the bottom, know that the bottom of God's love is infinitely greater than the top of the world.

Three years old and his father asks him
To take a leap of faith
From the safety of the dock
Into the dark, cold lake
Standing with his arms stretched out
The child looks so small
Scared to death he whispers
"Daddy catch me when I fall"

Seventeen and he's been pushed
To drinking by his friends
At a party one night he's caught
With a beer in his hands
At the station the sheriff says
"Boy, you've got one call"
He dials home and whispers
"Dad, catch me when I fall"

Thirty-five, on the streets
Begging for a meal
No more wife, no more kids
His pain is oh, so real
He bet on booze and his cheating ways
Now he's lost it all
Tears stream down as he prays
"Father, catch me when I fall"

A child-like faith in the one
Who finds him when he's lost
As a kid he looked to daddy's arms
He now looks to the cross
Knowing those same outstretched hands
He jumped into long ago
Will catch him when he falls
And they won't let him go

When I face uncertainty
When I need some help
I remember Him who caught me
Every time I fell
I've never faced the world alone
Any time I can recall
I walk beside the one I know
Will catch me when I fall

– When I Fall, ©2001 Mike Frazer 

As Christians we are taught to love and to accept — within reason, of course.  The point of "within reason" is to emphasize the fact that there are times when we are not to accept someone as they are.  In fact, that happens a lot more often than we may realize.  And if you're a naturally caring person like me, sometimes you lose sight of the difference between acceptable and unacceptable.

Acceptance and tolerance, as a Christian, are two things that should be handled with care.  Regardless of what you have been taught, the simple fact is that we are not to be tolerant of sinful behavior.  We are to recognize and deny it in our lives.

We need to be diligent in our efforts to identify those who seek to drag us down — and that can be difficult at times.  The strongest weapon Satan has against us is deception, and this is where the caring, trusting people are at a huge disadvantage: we seek to help all, and to be compassionate to all, and as such we let ourselves get close to the wrong people.

Paul listed a handful of the types of people who would deceive and destroy us in 2 Timothy 3:2-7 as he says, "People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God — having a form of godliness but denying its power.  Have nothing to do with them.  They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over weak-willed women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires, always learning, but never able to acknowledge the truth."

God's instruction through Paul was in reference to the end times.  While we never know when those times will be, the one thing we know for sure is that these same things have happened all throughout history.  These are the works of Satan and his charges, who only desire to steal, kill and destroy.

Your best protection is to simply follow Paul's advice and have nothing to do with them.  But Satan is the great deceiver, and is good at what he does.  It's often difficult to see the difference between sincerity and deception.  Your only defense is to pray, and pray regularly.  Pray for God to protect you from deception, to keep you on the path he has set before you, and above all pray that God will open your eyes so you can see the deceivers for who they are.

When I wake up tomorrow
And I look to the sky
I'll see you, I'll see you
If the sun shines or it's raining
If it's warm or if it's cold
I'll see you, I'll see you

And when the night falls all around
And I lay in my bed
When the memories of my day
Are bouncing in my head
I'll remember it was you
Who made everything I see
I'll remember it was you
Who made me…

You're in everything I see, I touch
I hear, I smell, I breathe
You're in everything that gathers
Around me
You made the stars above me
The moon, the winds, the seas
You're the beating of my heart
The life in me

©2007 Mike Frazer

I'm a control freak.

It's not that I desire power, or that I have to be a leader to be happy.  It's simply that life, on the surface, is much like trying to regain control of a car that is traveling at 100 miles per hour through a narrow canyon, with no brakes.  Oh, and the steering wheel just fell into your lap.  So, I desire to regain that control.  The problem is, the only possible way out of that situation is to hand the wheel to God and pray that you be saved.  You simply aren't going to stop that car any other way.

But still I've tried.  And the one thing that every attempt has had in common is complete and utter failure. All attempts to control your own destiny are in vain. 

So what, then, does this have to do with free will?

Yes, we are free to make our own choices.  The Bible tells us so.  It also tells us that God knew every hair on our heads long before we were ever born.  The concept of free will in Christianity is tricky, because we are given the ability to make choices, but through his omnipotence God has known and understood every decision we will make, and he has always know them.   And those decisions are far simpler for us than we ever let ourselves believe.  Brace yourself, because this is going to come as a shock to your system: the only decision we ever have to make for each situation we face is whether or not to leave it in God's hands.  It really is that simple.

Let's face it: we will never, ever be able to truly control another person, let alone an entire population.  The hardest part to accept about free will and about giving our problems to God is accepting that the world does not revolve around each one of us individually.  You are merely one of more than six billion cogs in a very large machine — and you, with your incredibly narrow view of the world, can never begin to understand how even a seemingly benign decision that shouldn't have any effect on anyone else can have a domino effect down the line.  You live in the here-and-now, and what you can accept in your world is limited to what your senses can comprehend.  Don't feel bad, you're far from alone in that mindset.  You have billions of brothers and sisters in the same boat.

So how does one go about "giving it to God"?   Easy: pray for it.  Prayer is, as a Christian, your best friend, your strongest weapon, and your greatest comfort.  It is a direct communication between you and your maker.  Pray that God will take your burdens.  Sounds easy, right?

Wrong.

The hard part isn't giving your problems to God.  The real struggle is not trying to take back the wheel.  We stumble because God doesn't always handle things the way that feels the best to us.  Sometimes you have to lose something to gain something else.  And while that something else may not be what you want, it will most definitely be what you need at the time.

Case in point: I've been dealing with two sources of anxiety in my life.  The first was a job search.  I found a listing that seemed to be a great fit, scheduled an interview, and asked God for the strength, wisdom and confidence I needed to make a good impression.  The interview went great, and I didn't try to contact them again until I felt it being impressed upon my heart to make a follow-up contact.  I kept my nose out of God's work, and I will be starting my new job on October 22.

On the other hand, I was dealing with another issue that has been a point of contention for me for a while now.  My impatience got the best of me, and I screwed things up big-time because I wasn't going where God was leading me.  And every step I took only got me deeper into the mud.  See, problems like these compound themselves: once you've screwed up, every attempt you make at fixing it on your own stands a very good chance of resulting in a situation that is far more twisted than that from which you were trying to escape to begin with.  Much like quicksand, the harder you struggle the worse off you'll end up.

The bottom line is this: you have to do nothing more than make a simple, binary decision when faced with adversity: give it to God, or go it alone.  The good news is that we all know the right choice; the bad news is that we usually fail to believe it.

I leave you with the following:

And so I stand here
Looking at all that I have made
Fallen in ruin
And it would seem that

It's out of my hands
There's nothing I can do
The best laid plans
Again have fallen through
I though my world
Was under my command
Now I can't believe
It's out of my hands

My favorite delusion
I must control the universe
Failure brings freedom
You are God, and I'm not so…

It's out of my hands
There's nothing I can do
The best laid plans
Again have fallen through
I thought my world
Was under my command
Now I can't believe
Just how glad I am
It's out of my hands

And so I stand here
Looking at all that you have made
Learning to place my life
In your keeping

It's out of my hands
I know this much is true
The best laid plans
All belong to you
When I know my world
Is under your command
I can't believe
Just how glad I am
It's out of my hands

- Out of My Hands (Carolyn Arends)

When I started this journey, there were two tragic events transpiring in my family.  While my personal tragedy is only being resolved by separation, the other one has now been resolved in the absolute best way it could have been.  While I don't wish to share with the world what has been going on elsewhere in my family — it's a matter best left private — I am happy to announce that we are, once again, a whole family.  The other on?  Well, life just has a new kind of "normal" now.  I'm happy again, and I'm moving on with life.

And, thanks to a handful of very, very special people, that happiness I'm now feeling is bordering on giddy.  The last 10 days, particularly, have lifted me to heights I can't recall seeing, on a spiritual level.  And a "new" friendship has been the proverbial icing on the cake.  You know who you are, and that's all that matters to me.

Oh, and I was at the NASCAR race in Dover again yesterday.  No rainout this time, just a little sunburn and a whole lot of fun.  It's back home to NC tomorrow, and back to the grind.  And I'm glad to see that "normal" has become a fun adventure again.

All people — Christians, Muslims, Buddhists, atheists — have a tendency to try to get by on their own.  That’s okay, it’s a normal way to handle things.  Most of us try to be self-reliant either out of necessity or the euphoria of knowing we can do it (whatever “it” may be) by ourselves.  The problem we tend to run into is failing to recognize when we need help.  Sometimes we realize it too late, and sometimes we never do at all.

For some of us, it’s pride.  For others, it’s because we’re shy.  And some people are just too stubborn for their own good.  But even if you aren’t comfortable asking someone for assistance, or you just won’t, remember that God has your back.

This is the true power of prayer: God will not let his children fail.  The prayers of the righteous will be answered.  That’s the most beautiful part of the promise we’ve been given from the Lord!  Does that mean that your walk will always be easy? The answer is an emphatic NO! You will stumble, you will fall, and you will have your fair share of struggles.  But God will not let you slip beyond your limits.

Case in point: Sunday night, I was despairing.  I was overwhelmed by the weight of my responsibilities, combined with the pain from the issues I’ve been dealing with.  I truly felt like I had reached my limit.  I prayed.  I prayed for strength, and I prayed for relief.  I prayed that the weight of that despair would be lifted, even if only slightly.  I prayed that God would light the way before me, so to speak.  By Monday morning at work, it was as if I had done a complete 180.  My job suddenly became easier; project requirements made more sense; and no matter how close I got to deadlines this week, I always managed to get things done on time and complete.  And through one of his children, God gave me a smile this week that I’m pretty sure is present even when I’m asleep.  My world is so much brighter now than it was just 72 hours ago.  In fact, this is the happiest I’ve been in at least a month and a half.

It is important to note, though, that God will often put us to the test.  Just as he put Job’s faith on trial, we too are faced with situations that truly test our resolve and our faith in God.  In times of great despair, of extreme stress, of severe pain, we have two choices: we can direct our anger at God for putting us through such a situation, or we can trust the Lord to get us out. 

He wants to help us all; we need only to ask.