I've been sitting here tonight bored out of my mind. 

Being bored is a dangerous place for a Christian.  We are obligated to make every attempt to avoid sin, but the old saying, "idle hands are the devil's workshop," really rings quite true.  It's at those times when we lack the drive to find something to keep us occupied — the very definition of boredom — that our minds begin to drift.  And when we find ourselves in a state of despair or even depression, the effects are magnified a hundred times over.   We begin longing for some sort of stimulation or, if nothing else, a distraction.

I really don't have anywhere else to go with this post.  What you're seeing is my attempt to fill five minutes of a long, boring night.  But I figured I would use that time to raise a concern I've had for a while now about boredom.  Be careful at times of inactivity; how you choose to pass idle time should reflect your religious and moral beliefs.  Even if you're alone, there's still a witness — and He is the one we will all answer to on Judgement Day, anyway.  Or, as Paul said to the Corinthians:

"So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad."   2 Corinthians 5:9-10

I pray a lot.  Even before my recent revelation, I prayed several times a day.  Sometimes I prayed the same prayer over and over again.  Sometimes each prayer was different.  But they all had one thing in common: they were all about me.

If you're like me, your prayers probably sound something like this:

Lord, I need your help.

God, please let me have this.

Please, Jesus, give me what I need to get through this.

Those prayers are all fine and good, as long as you don't stop there.  I'm not trying to get all high and mighty on anyone, because I'm really not qualified to give much of anyone advice on Christianity at this point.  I'm re-learning a lot, but I have a long way to go.  But we forget quickly, particularly in our times of need when we pray the most, that our prayers are not about us.  Sure, we're encouraged to ask God for things we need.  And the Bible even states that the righteous will be given all they ask for.  But in order to truly be a good Christian, we need to remember the parts of prayers that we all too conveniently forget: we are to praise God every chance we get. 

Prayers are not intended to start and end with us asking God to give us something, or help us through a trying time, or show us a sign.  Prayers should begin and end by truly showing your thanks for what you've been given — and, if you truly believe the words of the Bible, we should also be thanking God for what we haven't been given.  As the saying goes, Grace is getting what we don't deserve.  Mercy is not getting what we do deserve.  Every breath you take, no matter the struggles involved, is a gift from God and we should all be thankful for that.

And even beyond thanks, we owe God eternal worship.  His name is to be praised at all times in all ways, and that especially includes times of prayer.  Prayers are your one-on-one time of worship with God.  It's a connection from Maker to sinner.

Jesus gave his disciples what is now known as the Lord's Prayer.  Think of it as a blueprint for what a good, all-encompassing prayer should sound like.  If you really feel like you aren't "good at prayer" then simply recite it verbatim.  Just make sure you understand the meaning behind the words.

Below is the text from Matthew 6:9-13, which is the original text of the prayer.  My thoughts are in italics following each verse. 

9 After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name.
God's name is above all names, and we are to recognize that there is no one above Him.

10 Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.
One of the key aspects of Christianity is the acceptance that God's will, not our will, is what ultimately shall come to pass.  This seems to contradict the concept of free will, but perhaps I'll write more on that some day when I figure it all out myself.

11 Give us this day our daily bread.
God is our sole provider.  He will not put us into situations we cannot handle, but we must be willing to accept that all good gifts are from Him and Him alone.

12 And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.
God will forgive our sins as long as we are sincere in our intentions to seek his forgiveness.  We must approach him with a clean heart, and that means forgiving those who have wronged us.  Asking for forgiveness with a heart that is still vengeful toward your fellow man is not pleasing to God.

13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.
God will protect us from Satan's temptation and guide us along the path of righteousness.  He is ruler of all, omnipotent and worthy of all the praise we can give him.  Not only is He worth of it, He demands it of us as Christians.  It is our duty as believers to constantly reaffirm our faith in Him.

It is okay, and perfectly normal, to include personal requests in our prayers.  And God will answer them in His time and in His own way.  We just need to remember to approach him in prayer reverently and humbly, with an open heart and a desire to be closer to Him.  Then, and only then, are we praying as true Christians.

Last night I shared with God the most amazing prayer I've ever been a party to.  I won't go into the details, because that's between me and the Lord, but I will say this: no matter how awful this who situation may seem, to me or anyone else, it is, without a single doubt, the greatest moment of my life.  As I just shared with Mom of the South, I may have lost the one I love unconditionally, but found the one who loves me unconditionally.

Home is no longer a lonely place for me after Kaylee goes to bed.  I have actually found comfort in the serenity of the darkness.  There's a peace that cannot be understated and it has helped me learn that we can see God clearest in the darkest moments of our life.  There's such a definite connection between the physical darkness of the night that, until 48 hours ago, used to be gut wrenching, and the spiritual darkness that we live in when we are unwilling to repent and to be redeemed by the Grace of God.

I have moved beyond this and, while I still wish I could spend the rest of my days with Brittney by my side, I have accepted the hand I have been dealt. In closing, I'd like to share the words of a song I had always loved but had forgotten about until last night:

All the chisels I have dulled Carving idols of stone
That have crumbled like sand 'neath the waves
I've recklessly built all my dreams in the sand
Just to watch them all wash away

Through another day, another trial
Another chance to reconcile
To The One who sees past all I see
And reaching out my weary hand
I pray that You'd understand
You're the only one who's faithful to me

All the pennies I've wasted in my wishing wells I've thrown
Like stones to the sea
I've cast my lots, dropped my guard, searched aimlessly
For a faith to be faithful to me

Through another day, another trial
Another chance to reconcile
To The One who sees past all I see
And reaching out my weary hand
I pray that You'd understand
You're the only one who's faithful to me

– Faithful to Me, Jennifer Knapp (Kansas, 1998)

Today I accepted that my marriage is over, save for a miracle.  I didn't just acknowledge it; I accepted it.

Today, I brought someone back to the Lord.  Praise God.

See, life is filled with highs and lows.  And the highest of highs can sometimes happen right next to the lowest of lows.  It's strange how you can sometimes be sitting right smack in the middle of euphoric grieving.  It's a strange place to be, and a weird feeling to experience.  An, sometimes, it's exactly what you need from God for him to sustain you.

I watched the Steelers game with some neighbors.  I had a great time — friends, kids, football, food…all in all, a good way to spend a Sunday afternoon.  But eventually it started getting on toward Kaylee's bedtime, and I knew that meant returning to an empty house.  I love it here, but right now I hate it here.  So I came home. put her to bed, and despaired.  But not for long.

This morning a local friend met me for church.  She hadn't been in a long time, much like myself.  And she really felt a change as we sat there, along with most everyone who had been in the Singles class earlier in the morning.  Not only is she planning on attending regularly now, she is also hoping to get involved in some of the small groups in the church.  Again, Praise God.

This evening I received a phone call from her.  I was hurting and lonely, and it was a great time to hear from a friend.  We talked for close to an hour, and it was mostly about our faith, and how far we've both managed to come in a few short days.  It was nice to share mutual encouragement with someone and to know I'm surrounding myself with the people who will be the right kind of influence on me.

So, I've seen the top and bottom of emotion today.  Right now I'm hovering in between, and too exhausted to be concerned with moving any further toward either extreme.  Taking care of a child by yourself is hard enough in good times, let alone in trying times.  But through the Grace of our Lord, I am strengthened enough each day to survive.

First of all I want to say this: if you are expecting the same old wise-cracking humor typically found here, it will return.  Right now I am on a spiritual journey to the depths of my soul, so you're going to have to sit through some deep thoughts for a while.  But I promise you, this will be the most meaningful period of InvertedMind.  I hope you will take the journey with me, and maybe examine your own soul — and find out where you will be if Judgement falls on you tomorrow.

My favorite book of the Bible is Ecclesiastes.  I have a history of issues when it comes to coping, and I went through a period of nearly five years of depression.  I sank about as low as I could.  I never reached a point where I thought I couldn't go on with life.  But I did eventually get to where I simply didn't want to anymore.  That point began a huge turnaround in me, and during that change I spent a lot of time reading the words of Solomon. 

In fact, one of my all-time favorite songs, The Byrds' Turn! Turn! Turn!, was inspired by Ecclesiastes chapter 2.  The entire song is a near-verbatim copy of the first eight verses of the chapter, with the ordering changed slightly (for instance, the first verse of the chapter is the final line of the song's refrain).  Verse four tells us there is "a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance."  This is literally the one line in the entire Bible that is most responsible for me ever making it through that period of depression. 

I am an incredibly impatient person, and this line — no matter how basic a concept that this may seem to be — drove home the notion that the hard times will eventually pass.  God has great things in store for all of us, and it's just a matter of waiting for them.  It's also a matter of recognizing them, because the good may not always seem to be good.  A perfect example is in what I wrote here Tuesday: God brought me back to the bottom rung of the ladder in order to teach me the right way to climb.  I was, and still am, completely crushed by what has been going on.  In fact, every day a new ton of despair seems to land on top of me.  But through it all, I know that I am learning the single most important lesson of my life: God should be the center of your life at all times and in all circumstances, not just during the hard times, and not just when it's convenient for you.

The life of a righteous Christian is not popular today.  Having to abstain from sex out of wedlock when you're being bombarded by the mainstream media telling you it's okay is incredibly hard.  Living next to someone who constantly seems to have better "stuff" than you do can be very trying.  And let's not even get started on not just forgiving, but loving, your enemy.  But the fact remains that we cannot call ourselves Christians if we flagrantly refuse to live by the values we claim to live by.  And I've been as guilty as anyone of every one of these crimes against Christ, aside from murdering someone.  In fact, it's often those of use who are completely hypocritical with our "beliefs" who are the worst of sinners, because we can hide behind the Word of God.  We get away with more sins, in the eyes of other people at least, because no one expects us to commit them.  But there is One who sees all we do, and in the end it is Him to whom we must ultimately answer for our actions.

What it comes down to is realizing that you can fool your fellow man, but not God.  Ecclesiastes closes with some of the most basic, yet profound words in the Bible.  It's what we are taught from an early age as Christians.  And if you're lucky, you take it to heart in time:

 (13) Now all has been heard;
       here is the conclusion of the matter:
       Fear God and keep his commandments,
       for this is the whole duty of man.

 (14) For God will bring every deed into judgment,
       including every hidden thing,
       whether it is good or evil.

Music has always been one of the most important things in this world to me. As I fight through this absolute mess I have to deal with, I'm more and more reminded of some lyrics.  The first echoes my sentiments posted Tuesday.  This is a snippet from a song called Lead of Love by Caedmon's Call:

Looking back I know you had to bring me through  / All that I was so afraid of / Though I questioned the sky / Now I see why / I had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view / Looking back I see the lead of love

The second is one of my all-time favorites, because it says so clearly the way that I feel love should be — and in the last three years with Brittney, it has been magnified a million times over.  It's how I've seen her since we first took the leap beyond simple friendship.  And even now, it's still how I feel.  This is from Steven Curtis Chapman's I Will Be Here, which my brother's mother-in-law actually sang at his wedding:

Tomorrow morning if you wake up / And the sun does not appear / I will be here / If in the dark we lose sight of love / Hold my hand and have no fear / I will be here

To me that simply says that emotions ebb and flow.  The sure way to get through those hard times, though, is together.

And then in the song's bridge:

I will be true / To the promise I have made / To you and to the one / Who gave you to me 

You get the picture.

Finally, I want to share with you a song I wrote several years ago, which has been one of the things that has helped me the most getting through this, called Show Me Where You Are.  Mom of the South, The Southern Belle and Suddenly Sister might recognize this, as I sang it for them after enough pleading:

In my times of pain
When confusion reigns
Lord, help me understand
I am only me
That's all that I can be
In the end, I'm just one man

Teach me, God, to seek you
When the rain is pouring down
Show me where to find you
When I feel alone in a crowd

'Cause there are times when I can't find my way
Moments when I can't tell the nighttime from the day
Times when I need someone to hold me in their arms
Lord, show me where you are

Sometimes the days are bright
And I can see your light
A beacon leading me home
But then the darkness falls
And I can't see at all
And I feel so alone

Times like these I need to hear
Your voice calling me
But still I turn my back on you
In my time of need

In these times when I can't find my way
Moments when I can't tell the nighttime from the day
Times when I need someone to hold me in their arms
Lord, show me where you are

Now I see it all so clear
All the while, you've been standing right here

In these times when I can't find my way
Moments when I can't tell the nighttime from the day
Times when I need someone to hold me in their arms
Lord, there you are

What do you lean on in times of extreme emotional pain?

This isn't funny.  There's no sarcasm here.  I'm not posting this for your enjoyment — it's just something I have to do.

Three years ago, I started a climb to the top of my own mountain.  I married Brittney.  Between then and now, we had a beautiful daughter, I nearly doubled my pay to a very comfortable living, I finally moved away from Delaware after 17 years, and we bought a house.

Now, the house, the great pay, North Carolina…they're all meaningless.

I went to church for a special gathering tonight.  The significance of that is simply this: it's the third time I've been to church this year.  It's the fourth time I've been in twelve months.  Honestly, I can count the number of times I've spent quality time with God in the last two and a half years on two hands.

I've always considered myself a Christian.  I grew up in a Christian home, I prayed quite a bit.  In short, I did the things that we commonly associate with Christianity.

News flash: I'm not a Christian.  No matter how often I say it, no matter how much I pray, I'm no more a Christian than an Iraqi Muslim is a Christian.  I haven't sworn off my faith, nor have I ever stopped believing in God.  But this weekend I spent a lot of time alone, and in the aftermath of one of the worst weekends of my life I found myself waking up in cold, hard reality: I'm a "Convenience Believer".  I say it, I say it, I say it, but I haven't lived it in a long time.  I've given myself to worldly pleasures, and for the most part I've shown no remorse.  I've come to God only when I walked through valleys — and compared to what I have to live with now, those valleys were barely dips in the road.  So, I will repeat.  I am not a Christian.  Until I walk with God, I have absolutely no right to call myself one of his own. 

I sat in church this evening, and enjoyed myself.  I laughed, I conversed with the people next to me before the service started, and I enjoyed the message.  It was not the message, though, that spoke to me tonight.

At the end of the service, the pastor prayed.  It was a passionate prayer, and you could really tell he meant what he was saying.  But it wasn't his prayer that spoke to me, either.

It was God.  And he wasn't pulling any punches.

After speaking his piece, the pastor finished the service giving us a quiet moment of prayer.  We could leave any time — he was done, the rest was up to us.  I stood there praying the same prayers I've prayed for a month.

"Lord, I trust you, but I wish I knew why this had to happen to me."

"Please, help me through this."

Silence.

Then, a (figurative) blinding light.

Why did this happen?  It was all too clear.  It was painfully obvious.

Because it was the only way he was going to get my attention.

 Through my entire adult life, it seemed that I would come and go in regards to God.  When things were going well, I just assumed that "me and God are cool."  I made the assumption that he was happy with me, because he wasn't saying any different.  If only I'd actually bothered to listen.

It always took a tragic event of some sort to bring me back: a bad breakup, the death of a friend, a lost job.  I was a fair-weather follower.  Sure, I never quit believing, but I never showed the proper thanks for what I had been given, and I never lived the life of a good Christian.  Partying, foul language, issues with my temper, lust…and I always tried to justify it.  In my mind, it was okay.

Things were great from the beginning of 2004.  Brittney and I met face to face for the first time, then I asked her to marry me, and within a few months we were married.  We went to church…for a few months.

And, just like that, God was no longer the focus of our marriage.  And, honestly, he never was again.

What church service was I attending tonight?  The monthly Singles service.

God gave me the one thing I always wanted in life: my own family.  I had a gorgeous wife and then an amazing daughter.  Then I got a better job.  And we got a new car.  And a better television.  And then another job and a new house.

The house?  The jobs?  The big paychecks?  Entertainment?  Cars?  Meaningless.  In the words of King Solomon, "a chase after the wind."  The most precious thing in my life is gone.  And it has to be.  God wasn't going to get through to me any other way.  He tried and tried again, and it didn't work.

And now I sit here, as alone in my life as I've ever been.  I prayed tonight.  I prayed a prayer I've never prayed before.  I simply told God outright that I finally realize that I never even deserved the things he gave me.  I prayed to tell God I finally get the point.  I just had to lose the only thing in life I gave a damn about in order to see it.

I'm not saying it's my fault; for the most part I was as good of a husband as a man could possibly be.  I gave my wife everything she needed and most of the things she didn't.  And I always Gave her love — love was never, ever a problem.  No, it wasn't my fault. but it certainly is my doing.

I love my wife.  I miss her.  But right now I have to get right with myself and with God.  I'm not typing this tonight for your benefit.  It's not even for my benefit.  But I feel the need to declare to the world that I am a sinner, that I need God in the good times as well as the bad, that I need to show God my adoration and fear.  I don't have the special connection to God that I've always believed.  As a result of my actions, I essentially cut God out of my life, no matter what I said to the world and even to myself.  God was treated like the third wheel in my marriage, and I can only hope that it's not too late to repair that.  But now is not the time to save a marriage; how can I save my marriage when I'm sinking so fast by myself?

So this is my declaration: I will live my life for God, and I will put my complete trust in him.  I will take my problems to him, but I will also make him the center of my life in the good times, too.  I will strive to live a righteous life — and constantly fail, but at least I'll be trying this time.  I will spread his Word, not hide behind it.  I will pray for myself, I will pray for my wife, and I will pray for the grace to accept that the ultimate outcome is entirely in God's hands.

It still hurts.  And I have a long way to go before I can get back on the right path.  I had to lose the most precious thing in my life, and I have no idea if I will ever get it back.  But at least now I can call myself a Christian.  After years of asking God to talk to me, I finally learned how to listen.