More often than not, unintentional humor is the sort of thing that makes you fall on the floor laughing. Sure, we all love a good joke, but the reality aspect of something in your daily progression through this world being accidentally hilarious trumps any joke you’ll ever hear.

Such was the case a few evenings ago. Sitting next to Mi Amore doing what has become our nightly ritual — the Yahoo! Games Daily Crossword — I found myself slowly start to chuckle, then laugh out loud, at a certain clue’s answer.  I wondered, out loud, how it could have slipped by the censors.

The funniest part about it is that I almost completely missed it.  And, for someone who has radar for absurdity in the daily grind, that’s depressingly impressive (is that possible?).  Granted, it was late, but how did I almost miss this?

Okay, I’m thinking of making this “Childhood, Remixed” thing a new category. It depends on how much I feel like doing it (and, relative to how often I post in general, posting once a year to this category would make it worthwhile). I present to you, in honor of the fact that stores are selling Halloween decorations more than two months in advance, The Giant, Hairy Spider:

The giant, hairy spider
Walked up and freaked me out
Landed in my hair
And made me scream and shout
Gobbled up my eyeballs
And ate my nostrils, too
Now the giant, hairy spider
Is coming after you

In roughly 13 hours, I will officially begin my final trip around the sun as a twenty-something.  Age 29 is upon me, and is looming large.

Of biggest concern is the expected maturity that comes with reaching 30.  Personally, I think I largely hit that point sometime between 15 and 23 due to things like living essentially my whole life with divorced parents, living in three different states by the time I was nine, a lengthy bout with depression, or simply just my personality.

Sure, there were still aspects of my personality that didn’t reach trigenarian levels until recently.  My parenting skills, for one, didn’t arrive in full force until my own divorce, which placed on me the responsibility of protecting someone else’s life on my own.  Nothing will mature you quicker than that.

But enough of the woe-was-me stuff.  It’s time to kick off a year of reflection.  The way I see it, for every nine seconds I’ve lived in the last nine years, I have precisely one second with which to reflect on that time before I reach 30.  So, in honor of me..well…yeah, just in honor of me…I invite each of you to share in a comment any of your favorite stories of me.  They can be shared so long as they fit the basic rules of the site: 1) this site adheres to Christian values, so your comments doggone well better, too; 2) Everyone’s privacy is respected, including mine; 3) an occassional “d*mn” or “h*ll” is acceptable language, but only if it is pertinent to the story; and 4) differences of opinion are not just expected, but welcomed — but be polite about it (i.e., anyone trashing me or another commenter will immediately be asked to stop, and continued abuse of this rule will leave me no choice but to ask again (and we all know we don’t want it to come to something as harsh as asking twice)).

I fully expect between zero and three comments here, considering my level of readership is usually directly proportional to the rapidity of my posts.

It’s hard, as a parent, to avoid doing too much for my child.  For one thing, I hate watching her struggle.  It’s difficult to not step in and “right the ship” whe she can’t complete what she has set out to do, no matter how big or small the task.

It’s also tough for me as a perfectionist.  I’ve tried over the years to back away from a tendency to “tuck in the corners” of other people’s beds (speaking metaphorically, of course; I hate making beds).  I’ve forced myself into accepting the reality that life consists entirely of things that aren’t quite up to the highest standards.

I sat in church Sunday listening to a guest speaker named Johnny Evans speaking about encouragement, and he started down a path I thought I could complete before he did.  As he spoke of watching his daughter struggle running a race, I felt as if he was going to say that he ran out on the track, scooper her up in his arms and ran the end of the race with her in his arms.  That’s not where he went, though, and I’m glad to hear it.

How the story ended is unimportant to what I’m going to eventually get to in this post.  What stood out to me wasn’t that his young daughter was in a race, or that she was falling way behind everyone else, or that her partner in the race ultimately became an encouragement to her by jogging next to her and speaking words of encouragement to build her up for a relatively strong finish.  What stood out was the realization I came to: we, as parents, should never, ever attempt to finish the “race” for our children.  We are the trainers.  We prepare them for the journey, but a good parent knows when his or her role stops, and the child’s role starts.

If we weren’t all forced to learn how to do things on our own, we’d all still be getting fed by our parents.  We’d have a bunch of six-foot-tall, post-pubescent adults being carried around on our parents’ hips.  Instead, our parents equipped us for the future, but let us live through the highs and lows on our own.

So we tie bibs around our kids’ necks.  We show them how division works.  We give them a helmet, knee pads and a push down the street.  But the line between good parenting and coddling exists at the point where we hand them the spoon for the first time, or tell them to do their homework, or let go of the bike seat.

The fall will hurt, and we can’t absorb the pain for them.  But, once they learn to balance the bike, they can ride on their own.

Back to the race, and the metaphor that jumped out in my head: as parents, we run the first leg of the relay, not the last.  We do not take the baton and try to make up ground; we give it our all to give them a good lead, and let God take them to the finish line.

People who know me even slightly well know there are two things that I have openly claimed will make me scream like a five-year-old girl with pigeon poop in her hair: spiders and snakes.  And, I admit after reaching the two-year mark of what I hope will be a permanent residence in North Carolina, I am adding roaches to that list.  Fear not, my house is protected; if any of those little balls of pestilence managed to get within two feet of the house without dying, they won’t make it much further.  I will resort to uranium and plutonium to kill the little turds, if that’s what it takes.

So, it’s with that understanding of my hatred for a few things creepy-crawly that I point out the ironic fact that I love Verminators on the DIscovery Channel.  Sure, I get the heebie-jeebies about every 37.2 seconds during the show.  The roach infestations and the episodes highlighting spiders actually make my skin feel as if it is attempting to hide under my muscle.  But in the end, the exterminators win.

And, since I believe the only good roach is a dead roach*, I approve.

* – Actually, a roach in your house is a good roach too, because that means it’s not in mine.  I’m kind of cold like that.  But I don’t care — we’re talking roaches here.

If you’ve noticed (if you’re still there…), I haven’t posted much lately.  And what I’ve posted has been largely political in nature.  Not terribly good reading for the faithful few.

Here’s the problem: I feel a burden for this country.  I feel like we’re spiraling out of control into 1) socialism and then 2) destruction.  Maybe we’re on the verge of the Second Coming of Christ (one can only hope), or maybe we’re just reaping the rewards of pushing God out of our lives (probably more likely, I regret to think).

Can we be saved?  Yeah, but the burden is on us.  So when something really fires me up, I write about it here.  Unfortunately, the burden is so strong within me that I don’t normally have the inspiration to write more here.  I’m going to aim for changing that, though.

I have a project at hand that will consist of two parts.  The first part is a book I am currently planning.  The second is a companion blog that will allow me to further expound on current topics, while the book will address the universal demons living within the country and our government.

The final concept with all this is to show how, through prayer, worship and common sense, we can turn this country around before it’s too late.

I’m a Patriot; I love my country, and I believe God gave the United States to the world to be a beacon of hope and faith in a hopeless, faithless world.  Unfortunately, rather than overcoming the world (” … In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33), we’re letting the world rapidly overcome us.

I invite you to help me change that.  So, to facilitate that — and to return InvertedMind to its original, nonsensical, light-hearted roots, I will soon be ending political discussions here on IM.  Unless, of course, it’s to point out something nonsensical and/or light-hearted.

And, without further adieu, InvertedMind will be returning to obscurity, ambiguity, infamy, olfactory, unsatisfactory, and a whole bunch of other words that don’t make sense here but do end in -y.

The conversation:

Me: “I’m really glad I make you laugh.  And it’s a genuine laugh, too.”

Mi Amore: “Yeah. but in elementary school, I used to laugh when kids’ pencils fell off their desks.”

Me: (to self) “Don’t worry, Ego.  We can stop the bleeding.”

The resulting word: Egomaniacal Infarction – n.: When your ego is wounded so badly, a piece of it dies.

It’s no secret, my disdain for politicians.  I don’t care if you’re a Democrat, a Republican, an Independent, a Gree, a Red, or if you’re just yellow.  If you are a career politician, the chances are pretty good that I don’t like you — or, at least, what you represent while you are doing your job.

No, I have nothing against government, and I believe all nations should be governed by democratic law (not Democratic law, but that’s another story).  But, when the constitution was written, it was done with the express intent that the nation’s rulers would be civilians — that Farmer Joe, Mechanic Bill, Engineer Sarah and Unemployed Mildred would have an opportunity to run for office.

It doesn’t work that way now, though.  The cost to do so is so prohibitive that only people with either a) immense popularity (Jesse “The Body” Ventura), immense quantities of cash (Al Gore) or both (Arnold Schwarzenegger) can put up any fight at all.  Just look at the presidential race last year, where Barack Obama’s campaign outspent John McCain’s campaign by so much, that the difference in spending between the two camps exceed the maximum ever previously spent on a campaign.  For a complete nobody to raise that kind of scratch is nigh on impossible.

Now, the saying states that “with great power comes great responsibility.”  Understand that, and this one fact: the federal government exists to serve the people.  Yes, they are our leaders, but their lead was intended to be one in which all decisions made were to be for the purpose of improving the overall quality of life for the citizens of the United States.

There are, however, a number of people who have found grasping that concept quite elusive.  And I give you Senator Barbara Boxer (D-Calif.) as Exhibit A.

While speaking in public with Briggadier General Michael Walsh, she admonished him for calling her “ma’am” rather than “senator.”  The Army code of etiquette explicitly states that “ma’am” is a perfectly acceptable way to address a female senior official.

Was it protocol to refer to her as “senator?”  Absolutely not.  Her reasoning was (and I quote the little ankle-biting twerp with an over-inflated ego): “It’s just a thing, I worked so hard to get that title.”

Need I remind the senator that it is citizens such as Gen. Walsh who vote members of Congress into their jobs?  Is she so out of touch with the general public that she thinks we are all beneath her?

This is a shining example of why electing career politicians is so damaging to fabric of this nation.  She, and essentially all of her colleagues, are out of touch with the people who make up the vast majority of the population: the working middle class.  The people who generally get paid way too little to do way too much, so people in her “upper” class can make more and work less — and show absolutely no respect for it.

What amazes me more than the gall these people have is the short memories of the voting population.  These moments of glaring idiocy are completely forgotten during an election year because of all the promises being made that we, during any other year, know will never come close to being fulfilled.  Are we that blind?  That stupid?  That easily misled?

I urge you: during the next election cycle, find the candidate — Red or Blue — who has a genuine passion for the United States, not a genuine passion for power, and vote for them.  Because, as oxymoronic as it sounds, the best leaders are those who are reluctant to lead.

The old adage is that “it takes money to make money.”  Methinks ??????? ????? ?? ??? ????? ????? ????? Obama (That’s “Elected One With No Valid Birth Certificate” in Arabic, which seems appropriate) took this business idea and applied it to politics.  It’s great when you talk about “eventual profit” but it royally sucks as a concept when thinking in terms of “holy crap we need money NOW!”

Let me put it like this: if you are attempting to save money, do you hire a full-time entertainer to make you laugh?  No, you drop your television package to basic cable and find something on TV that you find tolerable.  Do you hire a maid to clean the house?  No, you clean up after yourself like the vast majority of the world.  Or do you hire a gardener to mow your lawn?  No, you pay for a gallon of gas and…well, you get the picture.

But by throwing money at city parks, senators’ pet projects and Hollywood, that’s exactly what our new “leader” (calling him our president still feels fundamentally wrong) is doing, along with his cronies in Congress.

Do you need more money?  Sure, you probably do.  Have you had to take a pay cut in these harsh economic times, just like InvertedMind did a week ago?  It’s very possible.  Or maybe you’re one of the very unfortunate ones who actually is jobless right now.  So, how much of that $800 billion “stimulus” bill are you going to see?  Probably about $400.  That’s a far cry from the $8,000 of spending per U.S. household it comes out to.

Money is set aside to replace aging roads.  You know what?  They can be repaired for one more year.  Besides, that’s what your gas taxes are supposed to pay for.

Oh, they’ll argue that it will create jobs because construction crews need to be hired.  Okay, then, why does the budget Obama proposed for 2010 include increased taxes on businesses?!  Do you think making a business give more of its profits to the federal government frees up money to create jobs?  No!  All it’s doing is recycling the same money over and over again.

Do you want to know what you do?  You cut the crap.  Senators and Representatives, you get hit first.  Why?  Because I had nothing to do with the expected $1.7 trillion deficit after F.Y. 2010.  I pay my taxes.  YOU passed the tax laws.  And you are the ones who get to take more of my money every year just to build some stupid statue in a park in San Francisco, or fund a stupid science expedition to find out what a friggin’ Alaskan seal eats for breakfast on a sunny day versus a cloudy one.  So, members of Congress, you now are allowed to have no more than one aide.  Seem unreasonable?  I’ve been a member of the working public for 15 years now, and I’ve never had an assistant.  And — shock of all shocks — I actually work every weekday, not just a few days a month.  I don’t get to take the month of August off, like you stuck-up shmucks.  I work harder for for a dollar than you do for 20 of ‘em.  So suck it up and do some of the leg-work yourself, finally.

Next, you fix welfare.  If someone needs help, fine — but make sure there are tight regulations and time limits!  If you haven’t lifted a finger to find a decent job in the last ten years, then sorry ’bout your luck.  Your kids are being sent to foster care and you can cry in your Pabst Blue Ribbon.  For those of you who are making an effort, the government should make sure that they have specialists on staff who a) can help you find decent work, b) help you to get the training you need to develop useful skills, and c) give a damn about their own jobs!

After that, NASA goes on a one-year hold.  No more research, no more trips into orbit except for necessary maintenance.  All you scientists and astronauts still get paid — albeit at a slightly reduced rate — but the millions upon millions that go to fund the projects?  Gone.  See you in 2011.  Sorry, we have to take care of our terrestrial affairs first.

Want to create jobs?  I.M. has you covered: hire some-odd-thousand people to serve as auditors who can review every mortgage in, approaching or past foreclosure.  Those of you who lost your houses simply because of lost wages due to layoffs/paycuts or by being duped by a bank*, don’t worry.  We’re here to help.  But there are an awful lot of folks who screwed the country royally and knew what they were doing was illegal.  Did the buyers fudge their income numbers?  Guess what, sparky — not only are you losing your house, but your butt is headed to prison!  Did your mortgage broker further doctor those numbers, encourage you to do so, or deliberately give you false information or withold vital details from you in the first place?  Well, now you’ll have a cellmate. 

* If you didn’t read the fine print, you’ aren’t terribly bright for signing away three to thirty years of your financial life.  But because it’s illegal to discriminate against someone just because he or she is entirely incapable of basic contract protocol, you’re off the hook.  This time, at least.

And finally, finally, finally, break AIG and its assets up among several smaller insurers.  They took us for $60 billion, threw a party, and are now asking us for $60 billion more.  I don’t think anything further needs to be said about that topic.

I do have to congratulate Mr. Obama for one thing, though.  He managed to do something that we’ve been unable to do for 16 years: he got Hillary Clinton out of our hair.  By making her the new Secretary of State, she will be travelling abroad — long and often.