Here’s a disclaimer right up front: I wouldn’t know patience if it slapped me on the butt and called me Sally.  I’m almost as willing to wait for something as I am to volunteer to run a half-marathon that rewards all participants with an acid bath at the finish line.  But, I’ve been learning a lot about being patient lately, and I’m going to tell you how I just tasted the very sweet fruits of my labor.

I have a nearly obnoxious thrifty side — I call it being frugal, but others call me cheap — that drives me to obsessively find the absolute best bang for my buck.  I consider it smart use of money, and right about now I’m laughing all the way to the bank’s Web site because being tight with my money means I’ve got a little something left right now while an awful lot of people who derided my tendency to spend little or nothing are awaiting their next paycheck with bated breath (I’m not knocking anyone here, I’m just sayin’…).  As of now, the combination of not wanting to part with my money and my essentially obsessive-compulsive habit of cataloging in my brain where to find the best prices suddenly looks less like a miserly desire to hoard cash and more like intelligent planning.

So, when news broke in my circle of friends that I was going to buy a touch-screen cell phone — and that I had no intentions of waiting until next year to do so — it seemed to a lot of people that I had finally snapped under the burdens of my daily responsibilities.

At this point, you are undoubtedly wondering how on God’s green Earth this fits under the category of “The Good Life on the Cheap” because there’s no such thing as a cheap, good cell phone that goes so far as to have a touch-sensitive screen.  Well, it’s less about the phone itself and more about how, sometimes, circumstances conspire to give you one heck of a deal — as long as you are 1) looking for signs that a deal is nearby, and 2) willing to wait for just the right time to jump on it.

Here’s the anatomy of the deal: Sometime in either July or August, I received notice from Verizon that I had been elevated to “VIP” status, which includes the opportunity to upgrade my phone once every calendar year instead of after 20 months while still receiving the same benefits, no activation fees on new phones, 25 percent savings on all accessories and other opportunities.  It’s less a true “VIP status” and more of a loyalty program, but it’s still packed with chances to save a lot of scratch.

Okay, that sounds like a good deal, but I didn’t need a new phone.  I was perfectly happy with the one I have.  But here is where things take a turn.

On Labor Day, I had things stolen out of my car — including both of my MP3 players, which were conveniently tucked inside my briefcase, which was inconveniently sitting on the passenger seat of my even more inconveniently unlocked car.  Trust me, this comes in to play in a few paragraphs.

On top of that, I have been considering buying a new digital camera that is more convenient to carry around than that bulky, six-year-old one that I got for Christmas in 2002 and the even-bulkier behemoth that I bought prior to my first (and only, until further notice that is not even on the horizon) wedding so I could save about $2,000 on a photographer.  There are an awful lot of moments I’d love to immortalize, but I’m not carrying either of those beasts with me wherever I go.

And, of course, I would be upgrading my phone in a year anyway.  I use my cell phone a lot, so for me it’s worth spending a little extra on a higher-quality unit than the ones you can get gratis (or pretty darn close to it) when you sign up for a new plan.  That’s why I was willing to break the $100 barrier on my current one.

So, one day while simply checking out the current offerings from Verizon during my lunch break for no reason other than boredom, I happened to take notice of the LG Dare.  It looked pretty slick, and somewhat iPhone-like.  Touch-screen gizmos always intrigue me, so I looked.  And it seemed pretty sweet, so I research further.  For the two-year contract price of $250 ($199 after rebate), you get a solid MP3 player and a 3.2 megapixel camera with options you can’t even find on a lot of true digi-cams, like adjustable ISO settings and face recognition.  And, for anyone counting, that’s a whole lot of megapixels for a camera phone.  It’s expandable up to eight gigabytes of memory via a microSD card slot, too.  So let’s do a little math:

• Zune replacement: $250
• Average low-profile digital camera: $150
• Cell phone comparable to what I have now: $150

I’d be looking at $550 to get everything I wanted within the next year.  Suddenly, $200 seems like one heck of a deal.  Throw in the cost of two eight-gigabyte microSD cards and it totals about $280.

But wait: it gets better.

A lot of people don’t realize this, but buying a cell phone online or by phone is almost always cheaper than going to the store and picking one up.  I recommend that you always go to the store, find the one you want, then go home and call customer service to make the purchase.  And you can even haggle with them a little bit if you feel it’s necessary, which could result in a waived activation fee or other savings.  A slice of bread would probably be more knowledgable about the current offerings of your cell company than the people manning the kiosk at the mall — and would offer more engaging conversation, to boot.

So I called this morning, and found out that, because of the accelerated upgrade period, I am not only eligible to get the phone for the two-year contract price of $200 (they don’t even bother with making you send in a rebate form if you purchase by phone), but I am also eligible for the $100 savings using the New Every Two early redemption offer.  Here’s where I showed a little impatience, though: rather than accept the standard (and free) two-day shipping, I opted to pay an additional $8.99 for overnight shipping.  That means I will receive my $410 phone/MP3 player/digital camera by the time I get home from work tomorrow, at a total cost to me of $109.98.  That’s a savings of $310 just on the offering I purchased, and when compared to what I would have spent buying all three items separately, I saved myself $440.  Knock off $80 for the microSD cards I’m going to pick up at Radio Shack tonight, and I still saved $360.  That’s a large chunk of my Christmas shopping right there.

And all because I patiently shopped around for the best possible options rather than impulsively buying when I wanted something.  Quite literally, it pays to take your time.

Some of us work stressful jobs, take care of children, head up the P.T.A., have bad golf swings or just generally walk around like we've got a roving pack of termites in our butt cracks.  All those things make us unhealthy.  It's a sad, sad thing that life has come to this, and that we think the only way to feel better is to spend money on things that make claims that they can improve your well-being rapidly.

There is a lot you can do to make yourself feel better without pawning off your first-born, as long as you can accept that it won't happen immediately.  And, of course, there are things you can do for free.  Dumb Little Man has compiled a list of 11 things you can do to feel better without breaking the bank.

This list is a little outdated — it's from way back in April — but there's no expiration on good health.  Well, unless you expire.  Then you're pretty much about as unhealthy as it gets, and then these tips will be of no use to you.  So get to it!  If one of my readers dies, I take a 20-percent traffic hit!